Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month.
I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees.""I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, ' No, one drag is enough.'""I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.""My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.""One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.""You wanna have laughs? He said, 'okay, you're ugly too.'""I'm so ugly... So let's go on with the memory of the legendary comedian while we read Rodney Dangerfield quotes."People say fish is good for a diet. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon...""Acting deals with very delicate emotions. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.""Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.""I bought a new Japanese car. I don't understand a word they're saying.""I bought a perfect second car... But his quotes remind us that laughter is the essence of life.' He said, ' Everybody.'""I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed. I've got the only dog who begs for Alka-Seltzer.""There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.""…went to a bar for a few drinks. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark.""My wife has to be the worst cook.In my house, we pray after we eat.""I have good looking kids.The way my luck is running, if I was a politician, I would be honest.""I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.""I had a good time last week. I got a standing ovation - I didn't even know it! The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.""This morning, when I put on my underwear, I could hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys laughing at me.""My wife has to be the worst cook.